A FINE LINE BETWEEN COURAGE AND STUPIDITY

I was in a very crowded Drs. waiting room yesterday, and there was a man sitting a couple of seats away from me - a really low-rent, mid 30's guy - talking on his cell phone.  Now, I couldn't give a crap if people talk on their cells in waiting rooms...normally.  This guy was talking so loudly that it had to be on purpose, and all he was talking about were all the horrible ways in which people can die.  Nobody wants to hear about how quickly and horribly liver cancer kills you when they're at the doctor's office. And what if someone there had liver cancer?! They certainly didnt need to hear him drone on and on about that crap!
Like with everything else obnoxious about this planet, everyone was looking around at eachother, sighing loudly, shifting uncomfortably in their seats, and grumbling under their breaths, but not one person had the balls to ask this guy to shut the hell up.  I was intrigued by everyones' reactions - or lack thereof.  I kept waiting for someone to do something, but no one did, and i couldnt take hearing it anymore, so, like always, I was the one to do something.

 I asked the guy to quiet down, and he did not respond or even acknowledge the fact that i spoke.  But then he hung up the phone, so I figured that was his way of saying "ok"... Swing and a miss.  About 30 seconds after hanging up, he dialed another number at which there must have been no answer. So, he then dialed another, and another, and another until he finally found someone who was home and willing to take his call. He began talking again, at the same volume as before, about the same creepy death stuff.  Spite.  He was talking that way and about that stuff for no reason other than spite.

 Now, if I were someone else, I would have just rolled my eyes, made a quick patronizing remark to let him know how far down i have to look just to see him at all (which is saying a lot since i am just barely this side of being the queen of all that is low-rent), and then left it alone.  But I am who I am, and i found myself unable to do that.   So, like either the bravest person on the planet or more likely, the single most idiotic, I got up from my seat, ripped the phone away from his ear and out of his hand, and snapped it in half. I didnt say anything at all until he started yelling at me for doing what i did.  Once the yelling started anyway, I figured I might as well jump in.  I will say this for mysef: Even in the middle of a rowdy argument, i still make more respectable points then most people do during a casual thoughtful conversation.  Unfortunately, I doubt if he heard any of them, because he was just yelling stupidity, determined to make sure that anyone who didnt know he was white trash before, would definately leave knowing.

Now, the down side.  When this guy stood up, he was towering over me. This was a big (around 6' or so), burly, blue coller guy. . .who was now really pissed off cause i broke his phone and publicly humiliated him in one swift move.  I, on the other hand, am a 5'2" woman who apparently lacks the ability to think things through completely. And by that, I dont really mean that I am impusive; Im not always impulsive. Sometimes I am, but this time I was not acting impulsively. I thought this through beforehand. Just not completely. I thought it through as far as breaking the phone, and thats where my imagination stopped.

Now, my fight-or-flight response had long since kicked in. My adrenaline was surging. My heart was racing so fast that i couldnt breathe and my whole body was trembling.  Everything was what it should have been for a dangerous situation...only it never even occured to me that i should run or back down in any way. My fight-or-flight reponse seems to only get me to the point of "fight", and then my brain shuts the rest down or something.  It's really really dangerous, and as many times as it has gotten me into some really bad situations from which I couldn't get out from under, I still always go to that same place, over and over again.  Im fairly certain that i will meet an ugly, brutal demise as a result of this lack of foresight, but it doesnt seem to stop me from doing the same stupid stuff everytime the opporunity jumps up and smacks me in the face.

So why, knowing that this is my go-to response, and that it is incredibly dangerous, do I keep doing it? I dont know the answer to that question, but i have a couple of theories. The first is that I am simply hardwired to be violent. I like it, Im good at it, and it suits me.  My second theory is a little more complicated. I never had anyone watching my back. My own parents would have handed me over to a serial killer if they were ever lacking in entertainment, as long as he promised to let them watch while he killed me. My older brother was and is completely non-confrontational...to the point that when we were younger, I, his little sister, used to have to fight his fights for him. And growing up, my friends and I were all pot-heads, and no one other than me ever seemed to have the inclination or the energy to fight. While that is a great platform for the legalization of pot, it sucks when you have something that needs handling and all your friends are too stoned to do anything other than sit and laugh, eat, play video games, and stare blankly at that thing that has never looked cool before, but looks surprisingly cool now. I had to watch my back enough to cover my share, and the shares that should have gone to my parents, brother, and friends.  Plus I was always watching everyone else's respective backs. So, now Im stuck with this overabundace of violent defence mechanisms that i cant seem to get rid of.

What's my point? My point is that people should always look out for the ones they love. Even if you dont like to fight, or if you not a particularly good fighter, you should always at least try. Make the effort. It will not go unnoticed or unappreciated. If it does, then you're fighting for the wrong person.  The inclination to stand up for someone can go a long way. More to the point - a disinclination to stand up for someone can last forever, and end up getting that person in a ton of life-threatening trouble.  It doesnt take that much effort to speak up on someone's behalf, and if that means that you have to take a couple of right hooks to the face, then suck it up. If this person is someone you feel the need to fight for, then they'd probably do it for you too.  Blurring the line between courage and stupidity is a wonderful guesture when you do it for someone else.  When you do it for yourself, it will almost always lean more toward stupidity.

...And, yes, that was was a long story for such a simple point, but it was a point that needed to be to be well illustrated for anyone who does not inherently feel the need to stand up for those around them. When violence is mixed properly with loyalty, its a beautiful thing. Dont let down the people you care most about.  That doesnt mean people should go around being randomly violent. It just means that you should never hide your head when a friend or loved one needs your help. Even if you know you cant win - being stupid is far more respectable than being cowardly and disloyal.